A life without cause is a life without effect.

So, I’m trying something different tonight. For some reason, I’m getting a little bit of inspiration to just write. No quotes, no pictures, just words on a blank sheet of paper.

I’ll admit; I’ve never been a writer. I’ve never been a person that’s totally comfortable writing about myself or about the things I’ve been through. Maybe it’s because I’m not totally comfortable with myself or maybe it’s because I have a really hard time just letting go and learning how to trust people. I feel like people get really frustrated with me because I have a really hard time letting people find out who I really am. Sometimes, I feel like if I give everything away- my thoughts, my fears, my feelings- that once that person decides to leave (which they always do at one point or another), I won’t have anything left to myself. I love my best friends, and I have no earthly idea what I would do without them, but they don’t know everything about me, and sometimes, it’s really hard because I want to feel like I can tell them everything. I’ve been told so many times that I just have an absolute perfect knack for pushing people away. Maybe the reason why I purposefully push people away is because I’ve been burned too many times and I’ve learned to just keep it all in.

I’ve learned a lot this last year- who I am, who I want to be, what I want out of life, what my deepest fears are, what makes me so happy. There are still a ton of things that I have yet to learn, and for me, life is constantly showing me that I don’t know everything. I’m still learning. I’m still learning how to be a better person. And how to be a better friend. And how to be a better daughter. And how to be a better student. I’m not perfect- far from it. It frustrates me when people think I’m perfect or that I try to act like I’m perfect because I don’t smoke, drink, or throw my body at men. People always ask why I’m not a typical college student that goes out and drinks and seamlessly flirts with guys, but the thing is, I’m not trying to be perfect. At all. I feel like people won’t respect you unless you have respect for yourself. People should love you for your heart, not because of what you look like or the things that you’ve done. You shouldn’t have to get drunk or smoke. If you show people your heart and how much you care about them, people will like you for you. And if they don’t, well it’s their loss. I think that one of the biggest things that I’ve learned this year is that there’s so much to people than meets the eye, and people are so much bolder and so much more beautiful than they give themselves credit for. Just remember, that sometimes, the way you think about a person, isn’t the way they actually are.

None of us are perfect, and we’re trying; constantly trying- and struggling- to make sense out of this crazy world. We’re expected to know exactly who we are and who we want to be, and what we want out of life. We’re expected to know whether we want that white house with the picket fence or how many kids we want; or even if we want to get married. We’re expected to have that 4.0 GPA or IP  in college and get into Civil Engineering and become as successful as we can. There’s so many struggles and so many pressures that constantly weigh down on us.  But the reality is, we all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Even me. But there’s only one person that I can think of that doesn’t make mistakes - and that’s God. God created you for a reason. And God doesn’t make mistakes.  And if there’s one thing I know- I am perfectly content with not being perfect.

I’m sorry for just kind of jumping around with my words tonight. I’m still kind of new to this whole “writing out your feelings thing.” I hope that what I’ve written tonight makes sense, but if it doesn’t, I promise I’ll get better in time! I promise that my next post will be more organized and clearer! I am so blessed by every single one of you and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to read my posts-it means so much to me. I want you to know that I’m so overwhelmed by the messages that you’ve sent me, telling me how wonderful my posts are and how life-changing they are. I’m so incredibly glad and I’m so in awe that I can be that person for y’all.

To my incredible best friends who read these- you make my heart so happy when you let me know that you read these. I’m so blessed to have such wonderful, incredible, BEAUTIFUL people in my life. I’m so grateful that you have always been there for me, even though I’ve given you every reason in the world to not be friends with me anymore. Thank you for being there through all the frustrations, jealousies, fights and anxiety attacks- I am so grateful to have you in my life. I promise that I’m trying and I’m learning how to be a better friend to all of you. Thank you for the ups and downs, and most importantly, for the good times. I miss all of you, and I hope to see you soon! I love you all more than you’ll ever know. Y’all are my rock.

Last, but not least- to my wonderful family- thank you so much for supporting me and loving me everyday. I’m so blessed to have such an amazing family that really cares about me and constantly encourages me to fight for my dreams. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family that has molded me into the person that I am, and I love each of you so, so, so much. Y’all have been my light in times of darkness.