all the laughter and fun

Hey you..

Lock eyes with me so I can see into your soul, 

Sing a song to me so I know the tune of your heart, 

When first we talked to each other,

My heart flew high,

On gossamer wings through a cloudless sky.

They said it was built upon a lie.

They told me my feelings would surely fade.

Passion would flare and foes would be made.

Would it be ok if I took some of your time?

Would it be ok if I wrote you a rhyme?

Would it be ok if I opened my heart?

With every day I know I'm blessed that you're a part of me

Now let's just try to slow it down and savor all that's past

For that's what molds our future, and life moves way too fast

Quote

Menjadi Pendengar hanyalah alternatif,

ketika mulut tak mampu lagi bercerita,

setidaknya bisa meredam sejenak

dari sepercik masalah yang sewaktu-waktu

dapat meledak layaknya bom waktu.

LETTING HER GO

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! "

Jeanne's eyes were wide and filled with tears. She was afraid of what he would say to her.

Jeanne was a nerdy girl with thick glasses. She was a junior in her middle school. She was in love with the hottest guy in the entire school.

And now, she told him that she loved him.

"Haha! Shut up. Nobody would like you! Who do you think I am?"

Jeanne had feared he would say something like that. She was devastated. She started running. She didn't want to face him ever again. All these thoughts and feelings ran through her head. She continued running until she bumped into something.

"Hey, whats up?"

She had bumped into James.

"What?! I'll Go Tell Him! Where Does He Get That Nerve! Sometimes, I Don't Know Why I'm His Best Friend! That's It! I'm Going To Go Beat Him Up!"

"NO! James! Don't do it! It's not his fault. I was the foolish one to think we can ever date."

"But Jeanne!"

"No, it's OK! I should go."

"JEANNE... James grabbed her by the wrist as she was getting up. Don't go..."

Jeanne stared into his eyes and felt so warm and fuzzy; a feeling she didn't feel for a long time. She looked away awkwardly. She was staring into his eyes for such a long time that there was a awkward moment of silence between them. Then, she gently took her wrist out of James grasp and slowly walked away from him with tears in her eyes.

"Dammit, James! You really did it this time! Jeanne just left you! And why are you trying to hit on her?"

James walked back home with his hands stuffed in his pocket. Thoughts of Jeanne ran through his head. He didn't want Jeanne to be hurt by a jackass. He wanted to show her that he loved her. He wanted to show her he cared. But Jeanne seemed to just ignore him. Just as he was deep in thoughts, someone appeared in front of him. James stopped in his tracks to find himself starring at Jeanne again.

"Oh, I'm so sorry... I'm very, very sorry about knocking into you and leaving without saying a word. I'm sorry. Can I repay you somehow?"

"Jeanne", James said, lifting her chin. Jeanne looked through his soft eyes and almost melted.

"James..." said Jeanne. Suddenly, she started crying. James was shocked.

"J-Jeanne? What's wrong?"

"I' m s-s-such a f-fool! H-How c-c-can I e-ever th-think t-that E-Eric loves me?"

"Jeanne... I would not call that foolish... I actually admire you for having the guts to confess your love. However, crying about him is indeed foolish. Jeanne, don't cry about that jerk. Here, let's go to my house. We're right in front of it!" Jeanne nodded.

James led her to the bathroom.

"Take off your glasses. We need to wipe those tears off." He said with a smile. Jeanne took them off without a word. James turned on the water and wetted a washcloth. Then, he gently wiped her tears off her face.

"James.. Do you love me?" James was startled by this comment.

"Why do you ask me that?"

"Because... it seems like it. Do you?"

"Haha! Jeanne, you are my friend."

"Oh... OK. I think I'm not so teary now. Thanks, James."

"No problem. Do you want something to drink?"

"Um... OK." She followed James out the door. He handed her a glass of orange juice and they sat down outside on a bench.

"Are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah... Thanks. But I don't think I'll be able to face him again."

"When he calls you something bad, just yell my name OK?"

"OK." she said with a small laugh.

"But what are you going to do when I call you?"

"I'm going to beat him up!"

"What if everyone starts hating you?"

"It doesn't matter. As long as the one girl I love is happy."

"Ooh, James! You like someone?"

"Yeah... Guess? I'll never tell you until you get the right answer."

"Hmm... is it Amy? She's pretty! What about Lauren? She's nice and quiet. Or is it Becca? She's generous. Or maybe it's Courtney! She's not all that nice though..."

After a few tries, she gave up.

"Who is it? I'm dying of curiosity!"

"Let's see... She has glasses... She's in love with Eric and she's sitting right next to me!" Jeanne let out a small gasp.

"M-Me?" James nodded. Jeanne almost passed out.

"James! I have declared you crazy." James started laughing.

"Why won't you believe me? I like you... I want you to be my girlfriend."

"But you're the second hottest guy in school! What if everyone criticizes you for your bad taste in girls?"

"I don't care. I told you. As long as the one girl I love is happy." he said, smiling.

"No, really, James. No games this time. All serious... All right?"

"Yeah... I know."

"Oh my god..." Jeanne said, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Jeanne, I just want to be the right guy for you." he said while putting his arm around her shoulder. She leaned against him and for the first time, she felt accepted by someone special.

"But, James! Why did you say I was just a friend before?"

"Umm! I didn't feel like it was time yet." Jeanne nodded.

She knew how hard it was to say, "I love you."

She knew how nervous one would feel. And she knew how hard it was to feel rejected.

"I understand, James. I'm just glad you told me. I'll think about it."

"Jeanne, do you still like Eric?"

"Yes!"

"What has he got that I don't?"

"I just don't know! I mean you two look the same! You guys wear similar clothes! But I like Eric better."

"All right! I'll make him like you. He knows he's not going to win in a fight." Jeanne wrapped him in her arms.

"James! I'm all right. You don't have to do all that." And then he wrapped her in his arms.

"Eric, can I see you for a moment?"

"What's up, dude?"

"It's about Jeanne!"

"Oh no! don't tell me about that ugly girl! I might barf when I hear her name!"

"Shut Up! Dude, You Just Have To Give Her A Chance! What The Hell Is Wrong With You?"

"Hey! I have other girls who want me. The least thing I need now is another ugly girl liking me."

"She's not ugly! She's kind and beautiful in the inside when you get to know her!"

"Wait! do you!?"

"Yes! I do!"

"Haha! Then why don't you date her?"

"Because! she's in love with a jackass!"

"Still? Haha! Man, she's hilarious! After I rejected her like that?"

"Hey! Please! It would mean a lot to me if you can just say that you like her as a friend and apologize for what happened last time. Man, she came running all the way to my house and started crying! She was just out of control! Just please tell her that?"

"All right!"

"You're the best!"

"Hey, Jeanne! I'm sorry for what happened last time. I was sort of tired and grouchy. I wasn't in a good mood. I never wanted to say it that way. I like you as a friend. And I want to keep that relationship. All right?" Eric let out his hand for a shake. Jeanne nodded. She let out her hand and they had a friendly handshake, which made James smile.

"See? Eric likes you! He just wants to keep the relationship as friends! All cool with you?"

"Yes..." she said softly. James took her hand and walked away with her.

"You all right, now?"

"Yeah!" she nodded.

"But he only wants to be friends! Because I'm a nerd!"

"Jeanne! Why don't you ever think about me? You know he's a jerk! Why do you mope around for that! So what if he doesn't like you! Everyone is different, Jeanne. In my eyes, you are a beauty. You can't always think about him! There are other guys out there for you! Not just Eric and me! I really don't want to see you like this."

"James! Do you really love me?"

"I don't think I need to answer that!" They stared at each other for a long time.

"James!" She tried to push him away and he staggered a little.

"Jeanne! Answer this for me! Do you love me?"

"James, I never intended to be your girlfriend. I just want to be your friend."

"Oh, I see! You're treating me like how Eric treated you. You don't want to be my girlfriend because I'm way different from you. You don't want to be my girlfriend because I'm better looking than you and you're afraid that people will jeer you because of that. Well, you know what? I don't care about any of that!" And with that, he grabbed her and locked their lips together.

After a while, he moved away.

"Oh, you really do love me!" She hugged him.

"But, Jeanne! do you still have feelings for him?"

"Yes! I always have and always will."

"Do you want to be pretty? Like those girls over there?" James pointed to a group of girls. They all had big hoop earrings and Jeanne noticed that they did not have any thick glasses like her. Jeanne nodded. She was pretty ashamed about it.

"It's all right, Jeanne. All girls want to be good looking. Even if they were once ugly."

"Really?"

"Sure! I used to act like a girl. I always worry about my appearance, my clothes and my hair; just like a girl."

"Haha! That's funny!"

"It's good to see you laugh. Now Jeanne, I'll help you become pretty. Will you be happy then?"

"I don't know. I've never been attractive in my life..." she said innocently.

"Well, it's time you are!"

"OK! we'll start off with your hair. It's nice and curly. I don't think it's right to put it up into a hairdo or anything. Something needs to go with it and I have just the perfect thing!"

"What is it?"

"Jeanne! We need to pierce your ears."

"What?!"

"Aaaahhhh! Oouch!"

"Well, that wasn't so bad! Right?"

"Yeah right," Jeanne said, rubbing her ears.

"James, it's painful to even touch my ears!"

"Then just leave them alone before you get an infection!"

"All right! Geez!"

"Now, we need to focus on your clothes. You can't always wear a blouse with a tight sweater squeezed over it. You dressed as if our school has a dress code. You should wear a tight shirt with a miniskirt. That would look good on you."

"OK! Now that we have all the clothes and jewelry, all we need to do now is to get rid of your glasses. We need contact lenses for your eyes."

"How are we going to do that?"

"I know someone who can get us contact lenses. I knew my eye doctor for a long time. He can help us with it."

"So you want to give her contact lenses for these glasses?"

"Yeah. Can you help us?"

"Well! the lens are really thick! You must be a really hardworking student," the eye doctor looked at Jeanne. She smiled and nodded.

"So! Will you take them?"

"Yeah, I guess. I really like the design. It can be a display set. And whoever wants it can get it. All right, let's get you some contact lenses."

"That was pretty easy, right Jeanne?"

"But it's pretty weird not pushing up my glasses every 10 seconds."

"Haha. But your new blue eyes look marvelous."

"Wait a minuet! You got me blue contact lenses? Blue?!"

"Yeah. And the extra pair is regular hazel... The same color as your eyes."

"I want the hazel ones. I don't want to be a poser."

"No. Don't you want to have matching contact lenses with Eric? Eric has blue contacts too you know!"

"Fine!" Jeanne pouted. But James knew she was happy deep inside. He knew he was going to have to let go of her soon.

On Monday, James brought Jeanne to school. Everyone gathered around them and agreed that James and the new beautiful girl was a good couple. James put his arm around Jeanne and took her to Eric.

"What's up man? Who's the chick?" Eric asked.

"You'll never know."

"So tell me!"

"You want to tell him girl?" James asked Jeanne.

"Hi! I'm Jeanne." James and Jeanne smiled when they heard him gasp.

"The! T-The N-Nerdy! Nerdy girl?"

"The same, Eric! The same!"

"Can I talk to you, James?" Eric took James away from Jeanne.

"Dude, what the hell is happening here? That's not Jeanne right?"

"It is Jeanne! How can you live like that? How can you live with one spontaneous idea stuck in your head? Haven't you thought about Jeanne being beautiful and attractive?"

"Well No!"

"See? I knew this was a bad idea. But she loves you! Can you believe that? And I love her! So I'm letting her go to the one jerk she loves. Peace, man." and with that, James walked away.

"Good luck, Jeanne." He stuffed his hands into his pockets. He tried to stop the tears from streaming down his face. Jeanne! if you love him that much, I'll let you go. I hope that jackass won't hurt you.

"So! You're Jeanne! The one I rejected?"

"Umm! Yeah."

"Well! I've thought about it, but I think I want you to be my girlfriend."

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yeah." Jeanne couldn't believe her ears. Thank you James, she whispered happily.

"So do you accept?"

"Of course I do! It's always been my dream!"

"Gosh! you have pretty weird dreams! Hey, you look cold. Here." Eric took off his sweater and wrapped it over Jeanne. Jeanne was so happy she started crying. Eric wiped her tears and comforted her.

After school, Jeanne called James to thank him.

"Hello?"

"James! Thank you so much! It went so well between Eric and me!"

"That's... That's great Jeanne..."

"I owe it all to you. Let's go out for lunch or something sometime. I'll pay." Jeanne sounded so happy.

"Jeanne, I don't think that'll be possible."

"Why not?"

"I'm leaving for U.K."

"What about your parents? Why are you going? How are you going? I just don't believe this!"

"My parents passed away a long time ago. I have enough money to get on a plane to U.K."

"But what about me? I thought you loved me!"

"Yes, I do. But you're in love with someone else and I don't want to be a burden to you. I want you to be happy with the one you love and not be pressured by me. Tell Eric that I congratulate him and please help me bade him goodbye. Bye, Jeanne."

Click!

Jeanne couldn't believe it. She was able to date Eric because of James. She was able to get attractive because of James. She was always comforted because of James! And he was leaving her out by herself in the big, hateful, hideous world. She suddenly felt so scared. She dialed James's number again but he had disconnected the phone. She finally knew who is important to her right now.

She quickly got dressed into the clothes James bought for her and ran outside. She was running for her dear life to James's house. When she got there, he was right there in front of her.

Jeanne was so happy she cried out, "JAMES!"

He turned to face her.

"James, how can you leave me like this?" James looked at her with his soft eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jeanne. I have to leave. My cab's here. Bye, Jeanne." James gave her a peck on the cheek and disappeared into the taxi. She watched the taxi disappear around the bend and watched her James leave her forever! She started crying and continued crying as if her life was over. To her, her life is officially over as she is now alone in the world with nobody to support her.

-15 years later-

James came back to America as a successful lawyer. He came back to America in search for the girl he had loved 15 years ago. Everyone in U.K. asked him about her often. Now that he is back, he would be find her and get back together with her. But little did he know there was a problem with that.

"Eric?" James had called Eric. They were in touch the whole time James was in U.K.

"Hey! What's up?"

"I came back to America dude!"

"Oh! Umm! OK!"

"I want to ask about Jeanne. Is she all right?"

"James, there is something that I should let you know."

"I'm getting a bad feeling about this!"

"Well, I guess you can say she's happy and well."

"What do you mean?"

"She's with God, man. She's gone."

"Haha. Nice joke. I'm not kidding. Tell me where she is."

"Dude! I'm Telling You! After You Told Her You Were Leaving Her, She Started Getting Depressed And Became Extremely Stressed! It Was Horrible! Why The Hell Did You Leave? She Would Still Be Alive! She Committed Suicide Because Of You! What The Hell Is Wrong With You, You Dumb-Ass Jerk! I Thought You Loved Her! I Don't Think That's What Guys Who Fall In Love Do To Their Crush! Just Leave Me Alone! Remember When You Called Me A Jackass? You'd Better Think Again."

Click!

The phone fell from James's hand. He dropped to his knees in disbelief. He couldn't believe it. He felt like everything is against him. He felt so angry with himself. He felt like ripping himself up. He wanted to follow Jeanne up to heaven.

For days and days, James didn't eat anything. He was too depressed to carry on with his life.

James was buried right next to Jeanne's grave. His tombstone read:

R.I.P. James Brandon

1980-2005

The One Man Who Let Go Of A Woman And Lost Her

It sucks always being the footnote in someone else’s love story.

1. Worshiping God is not about you; it’s about Him. It sounds like common sense, but so many of us have it all wrong. We find it easier to praise Him when things seem to be going extremely right, and we find it easier to cry out to Him when things seem to be going extremely wrong. When right and wrong aren’t at the extreme end of the spectrum, we tend to put God on a shelf until the next time we remember Him. I put God on a shelf this semester. My mind set going into it wasn’t about what I could give to Him, but what He was going to give to me.

         

2. Too bad people don’t fall in love at the same pace, at the same time, for the same reasons, and it’s too bad that those emotions don’t move simultaneously. But each bit of madness moved at its own pace, one not dependent on the pace of anyone else. It wasn’t like tandem skydiving, where you were connected as you fell, where you were forced to fall at the same rate and use the same parachute. Falling in love is a solo act. I knew that, I just learned the hard way. You just jump and hope that your parachute will open. Sometimes, you look up and realize that you were falling by yourself, the object of your desire still on the plane, not interested in jumping and watching you descend into that scary place alone.

         

3. It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not who they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don’t like, I’ll tell them.

             

4. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before finding the right one, so that when we finally find the right one, we will know how to be grateful.

      

5. You can’t design your life like a building. It doesn’t work that way. You just have to live it and it will design itself. Listen to what the world is telling you what to do and take the leap.

            

6. Sometimes, you need to step outside, get some air and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

          

7. There’s a God that walks over the earth searching for a heart that will love Him.

            

8. I count all things as lost, compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing God.

          

9. People say that it’s the bad memories that cause the most pain, but actually, it’s the good ones that drive you insane. 

10. If you want me in your life, put me there. I shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.

        

11. There is a difference between love and like, and wrong and right. Never run if you’re not ready to step. And never forgive if you’re not ready to forget.

           

12. Honestly, I don’t need someone that sees what’s good about me. I need someone that sees the bad, and still wants me.

                

13. He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there is always one guy that is perfect for you.

     

14. We long for love and relationship and healing and hope. We long for holiness, for a closer walk with Jesus, for God’s truth to speak louder than the noise of the world. When we long for the right things, we find a different sort of love. The kind of love that will never let go of us, never let us down. Never walk away or disown us. A love that know us and our flaws, but stays anyways. For us to long for God is to long for a perfect love. God’s word promises if we start longing for that perfect love, everything…absolutely everything will follow that longing. God created our ability to long for love. But He wants us to long for His perfect love. 

       

15. We have no idea, now, of who or what the inhabitants of our future might be. In that sense, we have no future. Not in the sense that our grandparents had a future, or thought they did. Fully imagined cultural fixtures were the luxury of another day, one in which ‘now’ was of some greater duration. For us, of course, things can change so abruptly, so violently, so profoundly, that futures like our grandparents’ have insufficient ‘now’ to stand on. We have no future because our present is too volatile…we only have risk management. The spinning of the given moment’s scenarios. Pattern recognition.

          

16. It’s not about the labels or becoming official. It’s about getting to know someone well enough to develop genuine feelings for them. It’s about being understanding and forgiving when situations are at their worst. It’s about loving someone, not for what they have to offer, but for who they are. It’s never about blaming your significant other for not treating you like how you want to be treated, it’s about how hard they try to keep you around.

           

17. We all want to believe that love is this magical thing that fixes our problems and makes things perfect. We look for the love that we see in movies and fall for all of Hollywood’s lies. But the truth is, love will never be like that. Love is something you have to work at and fight for. It’s not always pretty and it’s definitely not magic, because not even love can keep two people together if they don’t try.

            

18. We are born for wonder, for joy, for hope, for love, to marvel at the mystery of existence, to be ravished by beauty of the world, to seek the truth and meaning, to acquire wisdom, and by our treatment of others to brighten the corner where we are.

          

19. Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime, therefore, we are saved by hope. Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore, we are saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone. Therefore, we are saved by love. No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own; therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.

          

20. There are dreamers and there are realists in the world. You think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but often than not, the opposite is true. See, the dreamers need to realists to keep the dreamers from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists? Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

            

21. I wish it could be simple, like a retro pop song. I want you to want me. BOOM. End of story, we all live happily ever after..but it’s really never like that, is it?         

22. God gave me five fingers for a reason. My pinky is for my best friends, and our promises that will never be broken. My ring finger is for that special someone, and proof that we will be together forever. My middle finger is for that boy who has pushed me too far, and to show him how I feel. My pointer finger is to silence them all. And my thumb is for everyone- to let them know that I’m gonna be okay! No matter what.

        

23. Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of the person they’re in love with. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.

 .

24. Love, being in love, isn’t a constant thing. It doesn’t always flow at the same strength. It’s not always like a river in flood. It’s more like the sea. It has tides; it ebbs and flows. The thing is, when love is real, whether it’s ebbing or flowing, it’s always there. It never goes away. And that’s the only proof you can have that it’s real, and not just a crush or an infatuation or a passing fancy.

         

25. Because, it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has.

         

26. “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”